We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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