At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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