can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
