Kiss
Puke
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
