I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
