Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize