How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
