soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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