i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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