Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
