how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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