i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
