WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
