I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
