Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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