After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
