but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
