My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
