hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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