If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
