even my farts smell like vagina
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
