its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
