Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
is that a dick in a sweater?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
