I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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