Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
