She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
