Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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