I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
