I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
