Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
