dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
