remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
