Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
