Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
