Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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