I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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