She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
