Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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