i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
