do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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