Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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