Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
