i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
