I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
