If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think your dad took our porno
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize