Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
