last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
