a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
