Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
