my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
