hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
