i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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