The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize