i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
