We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
