at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
