Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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