She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
