The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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